Planning for not living

I’m making plans, scedules, got a full diary, like a second head, a second heart, the one who doesn’t bleed….
And WHAT IF, what if I do all that staff rignt now…not planning but acting…
I was bound to write down in that fucking beautifull diary that I HAD to take a minute for myself, just to let me live, to let me write,…to let me fear…looking at my sorrow, feeling how it hurts, not wanting to be sick again.
WHAT  IF I try now…I just stop, I just NOT go to the shower, NOT make the dishes, NOT answer my phone, NOT go to the doctor, NOT NOT NOT….
I STOP, I’m stopping now, sit down and write. I can do it…this small text is the evidence…I eventually could stop for living et not stop living…so similar when you write it down, but it’s such a new life…..